¡Adios STDs!

New studies have shown that sexually transmitted diseases are running roughshod over the youth of America.  While this information has caused a low-level panic among teenagers, parents, and sex-ed teachers, the news is met with a smile from those near 30.  Why?  STDs are for youngins.

Those at or near 30 have left the labyrinth of the late teens and early twenties where the STD Boogeyman dwells. Gone is the ticking time bomb of college, when any Thursday night kegger can lead to a Monday visit to the student health center for examination of a suspicious itch. Never again will there be an awkward moment in the check-out aisle when buying phrophylactics- a 30 year old can confidently purchase a pack of condoms with a manner that says, "That's right. I'm 30, and I'm sexually active in a safe and responsible way. Deal with it! . . . I'll also take this pack of gum." 

For those who are on the brink of 30 and are engulfed by a last minute urge to date or "swim" with younger fish, this information is a potent reminder that they are wading into dangerous waters. Not only can that risky behavior give one the label of "cougar" (females) or being like "the guy in community college who dates high school chicks," but the price of admission may be more than your loins want to pay.

Ideally, one who turns 30 should heave a sigh of relief for escaping the sexual minefield of their twenties, waving goodbye to those STDs that lie in the rear-view mirror. For whether a 30 year-old is single, in a monogamous relationship, or married/abstinent there is a bright, sexually healthy future ahead of them.*

*This "future" should last indefinitely, though there have been rare instances of STD reoccurrence in old age.

 

Take Your Vitamins

While the use of vitamins is not exclusive to Triple Deckers, their importance is magnified as one is about to turn 30.

Many have dabbled in the use vitamins and nutritional supplements at earlier ages, but the time for experimentation ends when one nears 30.  Due to an abundance of research detailing how the human body begins to fall apart at age 30, vitamins have become serious business for anyone who desires to live their post-30 lives to the fullest.

How many letters of the alphabet do I need?  How yellow will this turn my pee?  Is a bigger pill better? Are delicious, gummy bear vitamins acceptable? All of these questions and more may run through the mind of a typical 30 year old as they try to determine what vitamins will give them the best chance to fight the inevitable drought of nutrients that lies ahead.

The hidden benefit of the vitamin years, is that it gives many Triple Deckers a chance to have a second drug-experimentation phase that, in theory, should yield positive results.  That is why one turning 30 should feel no shame in experimenting with some time-released omega acids, downing a whole pack of energy vitamins bought off the impulse rack at 7-11, or even placing an order for a potent organic panacea that airs its commercials Sunday mornings on AM radio.

The only unacceptable vitamin-related behavior is to worry and stress over the correct vitamin choices, as that will accelerate the aging process and further deplete one's body of the nutrients that are essential to life beyond 30.

Let's Make a Milestone Out of This!

The act of turning 30 represents the first age-related milestone in one's lifetime that is, in effect, hollow.

Some typical ages of significance are as follows:

Age 4-5: Start School

Age 13: Bar Mitzvah

Age 15: Quinceñera

Age 16: Driver's License/

      Super Sweet Sixteen

Age 18: Voting

Age 21: Drinking Alcohol (legally)

Age 25: Rental Car

Age 30: ???

It's the first "milestone" that offers no new benefit, no reward, no new level of entitlement.  The root of this problem can be traced back to ancient times, when man's life expectancy was not nearly what it is today- in fact, in Paleolithic times, a 30 year old would be seen as a mythic elder of the tribe, a miracle of survival! They would also, however, be the unfortunate first victim of the next Saber toothed-cat attack due to their advanced age.

This absence of foresight by our forbearers has left those entering their third decade of life (aka Triple Deckers) searching for a theme or meaning behind turning 30, since society has refused to assign them one.

A common solution to this problem is to label one's 30th birthday as "Leaving my twenties behind!" or "I'm officially over the hill!", or any other clever evite title.  Does this give true meaning to the act of turning 30? No. But it most certainly beats, "Congratulations! You've hit another age with a zero in it!"

7 Months From 30

Hello,

My name is Josh. In 7 months, I will turn 30 years old. 

It's not a big deal. I won't be the first person to hit that mark, and I'm pretty sure I won't be the last. I will, however, do my best to chronicle the journey there on this blog, while hopefully demystifying the process as well.

So without further ado, the truth about 30 (in no particular order) is as follows...